Probabilistic Jukebox: "If I Love You?" by Brian Jonestown Massacre

Illustration from front cover of Modern Woman magazine, March 1944

It's true that I've been called a "punctuation pedant" - I've always assumed that it's a term of endearment. But it's a title that comes with a price. For instance, I see a dependent "if" clause followed immediately by a question mark, I see red. I doubt that the Brian Jonestown Massacre's Anton Newcombe has the same set of priorities that I do, though, so I'm going to help him out with his little punctuation SNAFU. Here's a little dialogue in which that use of a question mark would be appropriate. Such is my love for this song.

Him: I don't think I can be friends with someone who drinks Diet Dr. Pepper. Nothing you can say or feel can change my opinion about that!

Her: Will you still be my friend if I say that I prefer Mr. Pibb?

Him: No.

Her: If I let you borrow my SEGA Dreamcast?

Him: No.

Her: If I show you that birthmark you've been asking about?

Him: No.

Her: If I love you?

Him: *stunned silence*

AND ... END SCENE. CURTAIN DROPS. STANDING OVATION FROM THE SOLD-OUT AUDIENCE.

"If I Love You?" by Brian Jonestown Massacre